The magic of the Pause and STOP

I am far from the best parent. But I am working very hard to be a Mindful Parent. One of my favourite techniques learned throughout this journey has been learning to STOP. In its most simple form it asks that I: 1) Stop, 2) Take a Breath, 3) Observe how I’m feeling and, 4) Proceed (with kindness). ​

If anything, practicing my “STOP” allows me the space to pause and reflect - respond instead of react. Taking a PAUSE, when the emotions start ramping up is a crucial part of being present and aware. That Pause is the magic. 

So what does this really look like? When things aren’t moving in the direction I need them to go (e.g., kids not listening, fighting, running around the house like lemurs on speed, etc.), I STOP. I put down the groceries or turn my back on the kids who are totally ignoring me after being told (insert ridiculous # here) times to quit what they’re doing.  I take three long, deep belly breaths. I check in with myself, and think about where in my body my emotions are hitting me the hardest. Is the rage strongest in my belly? Is my head pounding? Are my fists clenched? I try not to judge or think of the why, but focus on the feeling or sensation in my body. And then, here is where the magic starts, I pause. Because once I’m aware of my body sensations, I have begun to gain back my power. I’ve now secured the control needed to take those next crucial parenting steps. 

And so, I breathe into that belly, the head, the fists and I work to relax the sensation. After that, it’s (almost) smooth sailing into the grand “P”. Proceed with kindness. I’m not going to lie, the kindness gig is hard. Especially when you’ve asked your child to pick up that toy for the umpteenth time, or when your kid calls you an “idiot” because he’s hurt or angry. But the kindness is important. It’s a reminder that my job is to model behaviour - to share with my children the skill of self control, discipline (in the form of teaching and natural consequences) and to respond to hurt with love.**

Now, you might be asking if it’s really possible for me to “STOP” every time. The answer is a BIG FAT NO. I’m afraid that despite my best intentions, I forget the PAUSE, the check in, the breath and sometimes, everything in between. However, Mindful Parenting is a Practice. Fortunately for us, our children, our partners, our colleagues, our parents and our community give us many (sometimes too many) opportunities to practice this skill. However, I know that if we can learn to pause before losing our cool, the other “letters” may just start to follow. I know for myself, the practice of meditating daily, scaffolding the practice with my kids (having the discussion in detail at supper time and throughout our day), and putting up reminders around our house (wee little stop signs) has been really helpful. I also try to remind myself that sometimes we need to go back to the beginning and start over - this week required many “start overs.” Sadly the stop signs around the house have fallen down and I have forgotten to check in with my body before responding. I feel like I need a little bit of a reboot.

So today, after I finish writing this post, I’m going to (re)print out some stop signs and post them in areas that cause my family the most stress (i.e., at the front entrance when we’re getting ready for school and in the bathroom upstairs when we’re fighting over sink space at bedtime). And then, at supper tonight I’m going to revisit the STOP techniques and invite my children to talk about how they can incorporate this practice into their day (or see if they’ve been practicing it). I’ll keep you posted. 

I’ve attached a couple stop signs that you are welcome to print out to put around your house.  I’d love to know if you found this activity practice helpful - feel free to leave a comment and definitely check into this blog later this week for further articles on Mindful Parenting.

**I promise that I won’t leave you wondering for much longer as to what strategies I use to address challenging behaviour in our kids, and the ways  have incorporated meditation into our daily life. I am happy to send you resources and tools on great parenting strategies - there is no shortage of them out there. However, I’ve found that my greatest tool is “me” when I am calm and grounded. Before I started Mindful Parenting, I used to do many of those great parenting techniques offered in the books, but the truth is, I found I kept reacting to my kids and feeling like their frustrating behaviour was personal.

Since starting my meditation practice and bringing Mindful Parenting into my world, I’ve noticed that I react less and respond more as a parent who is trying to discipline her self and kids in a kind and loving way. Again, this is a practice and there is no perfect parent! For now, however, I'd like to continue focusing the be brave * be kind * be present blog on parental self care.  Let me know what you think?
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Until my next post, I wish you gentle encouragement to be brave, be kind, and be present!