Reflections on Mindfulness, Motherhood and Depression

I was recently asked to write some reflections on mindfulness, and mom's with depression. Here are some of my thoughts on the matter:

Mindfulness: 

Mindfulness is about intentionally paying attention to the present moment with a kind, open and curious mind. 

It is a life long process that exercises our brain to make it stronger, manage stress, enhance creativity, improve decision making skills and keep us healthy. 

Moms living with depression may feel disconnected from their children, partners, bodies, and community. They may have thoughts that don’t make sense or be unable to concentrate. The very common experience of “mama rage” (uncontrollable anger towards your baby) is exacerbated by lack of sleep, insufficient resources and having too few coping skills to manage the very real stresses of parenting and managing a family. 

While meditation increases our ability to pay attention through intention and awareness, it’s not just about stress release and relaxation. Instead it’s an awakening, a zooming in on the present moment with the purpose of clarity and focus. It forces us to take time throughout our day for  ourselves, to access our most powerful tool - the breath - and to put “us” first. 

Further, meditation invites us to focus on and unravel the mind/body experience. It asks us to see where we “feel” the emotion and how we “feel” the emotion. It encourages us to note the thought, and then take it a step further to tease apart the emotions and the sensations that underly the thought; thus, allowing us to see the experience with more clarity. This is particularly helpful for women who may feel like their thoughts are “controlling" or don’t make sense. 

Meditation also encourages us to let the experience pass through our minds without interference. We don’t push it away (if “uncomfortable”) or chase after it (if “positive” or “comfortable”). Instead, the thought comes and we gently bring ourselves back to the breath, noting it with an open and curious acceptance of “just what it is”. 

Focusing on the breath also helps us to break the cycle of rumination by concentrating our attention on the act of  breathing in through our nose and out through our mouth. That cycle of focusing on our breath, losing attention ("wandering mind"), noting that we’ve lost attention and then gently, and without judgement, bringing our attention back to the breath is what helps us to strengthen our focus, concentration, and connection to body. If practiced over a long period of time, it can lead us to finding equanimity. 

3 point plan for Mamas struggling with depression: 

1: Connect with a compassionate community: 

Being a stay-at-home mom can be very isolating, add to this depression or anxiety and those feelings of isolation can feel unsurmountable. Connect with other moms through play groups or online - there are many resources out there for mom’s with PPD and anxiety. Regarding mindfulness, look at taking the 8 week MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) course. These courses, offered by therapists and mental health practitioners, will teach you the foundations of mindful meditation and have shown to be highly successful with helping people who struggle with depression and anxiety. 

2: Practice compassionate parenting: 

Check out some of the incredible work from Carla Naumburg, Susan Stiffelman, Kristin Race, Susan K. Greenland, Eline Snel and Daniel J. Siegel. There are but a few of the authors that have been writing about Mindful Parenting and Mindful Therapy. 

Taken from my blog: “ The magic of the Pause and STOP - February 7, 2017 (http://bebravebekind.ca/bebravebekind.html): 

One of my favourite techniques learned throughout this journey has been to “STOP". In its most simple form, it asks that I: 1) Stop, 2) Take a Breath, 3) Observe how I’m feeling and, 4) Proceed (with kindness). ​

If anything, practicing my “STOP” allows me the space to pause and reflect - respond instead of react. Taking a PAUSE, when the emotions start ramping up is a crucial part of being present and aware. That Pause is the magic. 

When things aren’t moving in the direction I need them to go (e.g., kids not listening, fighting, running around the house like lemurs on speed, etc.), I STOP. I put down the groceries or turn my back on the kids who are totally ignoring me after being told (insert ridiculous # here) times to quit what they’re doing.  I take three long, deep belly breaths. I check in with myself, and think about where in my body my emotions are hitting me the hardest. Is the rage strongest in my belly? Is my head pounding? Are my fists clenched? I try not to judge or think of the why, but focus on the feeling or sensation in my body. And then, here is where the magic starts, I pause. Because once I’m aware of my body sensations, I have begun to gain back my power. I’ve now secured the control needed to take those next crucial parenting steps. 

And so, I breathe into that belly, the head, the fists and I work to relax the sensation. After that, it’s (almost) smooth sailing into the grand “P”. Proceed with kindness. I’m not going to lie, the kindness gig is hard. Especially when you’ve asked your child to pick up that toy for the umpteenth time, or when your kid calls you an “idiot” because he’s hurt or angry. But the kindness is important. It’s a reminder that my job is to model behaviour - to share with my children the skill of self control, discipline (in the form of teaching and natural consequences) and to respond to hurt with love.”

3:  Be compassionate to your self:  

As a mom, we often put everyone else first. However, when our "spirit bowls" are empty, we have nothing to offer others. Filling our bowls through self care, such as meditation, mindful moving (yoga), massages, sleep, coffees with friends, date nights with your self or partner, courses, exercise, sleep, healthy meals, appropriate medications, therapy, etc., are all strategies that allow us to take better take care of our children and families. Finally, finding the right supports (i.e., doctors and mental health practitioners can make all the difference. 

If you suffer from depression, please contact your mental health practitioner prior to engaging in meditation. Supervised meditation allows you to fully appreciate the experience within a safe space and with appropriate guidance. 

For more information about MBCT, please see the following links: 

http://mbct.com
http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/mindfulness-based-cognitive-therapy
http://mbpti.org/mbct-mindfulness-based-cognitive-therapy/