Doing the best I can with the resources I have.

Today I yelled at my kid. And not just once, but a few times in a mean kind of way. This, the day after I launched my fancy new Mindful Parenting business. I could pretend that this didn’t happen, but my neighbours heard me and the truth is, I think a little accountability on my end is required. You see, I may know better. I may have lots of useful skills in helping others by introducing Mindful Parenting and mindfulness into their daily practice, and even help them through significant trauma. However, just like you, I’m fallible. I’m doing the best I can with the resources that I have. And some days, those lack resources mean that I have little sleep. Or other days, I may have managed to parent my beautiful children with kindness, respect and full presence, but I’ve reached my limit of the bickering, the whingeing or the small challenges that make our children lie down in the middle of the crosswalk on a really busy street. Some days, it might mean that my spirit bowl is completely tapped out and I have no more reserves. 

Notwithstanding, I know better. 

This morning, I let my littlest one sleep in so that he wouldn’t wake up cranky. I had everything ready this morning so that he could eat, throw on his snowsuit and get ready in time so we wouldn’t be rushed. I know that mornings are our most stressful time of day. We are always rushing out the door despite naturally waking up at 7am and not having to leave for school until 8:50am. We have almost two blissful hours to eat, get dressed, play, throw on the snowsuit and walk five minutes to school. Easy right? 

Well, it’s not. Inevitably, my kids get really involved in their activity of the morning and getting them to stop at 8:40 to get dressed is challenging, to say the least.  So, I pushed the time forward this morning to 8:30 so that we could put our work aside and head downstairs. Parenting 101, see a problem. Make a change. Done. 

Except, it’s not done when your youngest child is going through the (very normal) phase of being afraid of being separated more than 5 metres from any family member in the house. What does this look like? Let’s just say, I haven’t gone to the washroom alone for many days now. What else does this look like? I can’t run up the stairs to grab something, because it means that my kid will be alone on a different floor. 

As a therapist, I know what strategies work best when dealing with fear and anxiety. Yelling is not one them. And yet, this morning, as I realize that I need my knee braces which are on the top floor, I begin to run upstairs — knowing that this will set my kid off in a mass panic, but hoping that if I go fast enough, he might not notice. He noticed. Oh, how he noticed. 

The snowsuit that had been painfully put on at a sloth's pace, was ripped off in true jaguar speed and a small, newly 5 year old child came running up the stairs yelling, “How dare you leave me! You know I’m scared. How DARE you?”. My response, being the mindful parent that I am, was, “HOW DARE I? HOW DARE YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SNOWSUIT WHEN YOU KNOW THAT WE ARE IN A RUSH TO LEAVE? HOW DARE YOU WAKE ME UP 5 TIMES LAST NIGHT TO HAVE A CHAT? HOW DARE YOU IGNORE EVERYTHING I AM SAYING THIS MORNING?”

I’m really hoping that as you read this, you are able to point out the GLARING parenting mistakes that I just made. If not, no worries, I’m going to lay them out in sweet point form: 

1. I knew that going upstairs without him would set my son off. Instead, I could have told him that I have to run upstairs and ask if he needed to come with me or if he thought he could count to 10 to see if I could run up and be back in time. Both of these strategies have worked in the past and with enough repetition, will eventually help him through this phase. I know this. 
   
   
2. I yelled! When a child is scared, their amygdala is already firing at full power. Having their parent yell at them will only make their sense of fear stronger. It’s like pouring liquid butter on a grease fire. Instead, using a calm, slow voice, getting on their level (bending down) and moving slowly and confidently helps to soothe a scared little person (for the record, this works for big people too).
   
   
3. I brought up the night before, which I was obviously not feeling like I had addressed with my child. However, that was NOT the time. Instead, I could have talked to him after school and brainstormed some strategies to address our sleep issues. Yelling about something completely unrelated to the issues at hand, as we are trying to run out the door and while my child is in a full state of panic is not effective. In fact, it’s completely counterproductive and will only heighten his sense of anxiety and fear, particularly around sleep. 
   
   
4. I totally overgeneralized. He hadn’t, in fact, ignored everything I had said that morning. He had gotten out of his PJs, eaten his breakfast, and tidied his space when reminded. Using generalizations like this are completely unhelpful and often untrue. Put differently, they act as roadblocks to healthy communication. Instead, I could have described the moment and used “I feel” statements, such as: “I feel like you are ignoring me right now.” It’s direct. It’s truthful. It’s a problem that can be solved. 
   
   
5. Finally, I went to his level. Using the words, “HOW DARE YOU…” brought me down to a five year old mindset. As our dear Michelle Obama says, “When they go low, we go high”. And, I did not go high in this exchange. Instead, I went real real low. 
   
   

Having said all of this, I can’t pretend that it didn’t feel good to yell at that moment. I was angry and frustrated and I needed a release - I wanted justice for having asked 5 times for my kids to get dressed. I wanted justice for being woken up so many times through the night, that I felt exhausted and worn out by 8:50am. I wanted justice for not being able to go ten feet without a child on my tail. 

Now, it’s not a bad thing for kids to see that we have limits, it’s just that this exchange set us back. I punished my kid by yelling. That was my justice. However, if I had just taken a moment and grabbed a few blessed breaths before reacting, I most likely would have responded and disciplines my child differently. I could have coached him through the fear. I could have played a game to get his clothes on faster. I could have let us be a little late. I could have given him a cuddle, validated his fear and calmly explained why we need to move faster to get to school on time. I could have helped him get dressed; after all, he had been awake for all of 30 minutes and was a little grumpy too. All of these strategies have worked for me in the past. This is what positive discipline looks like — it’s a slow process to be sure, but I promise that it does it pay off in the end. Instead of setting our mornings up like a battle to be won, I know that it is so much more effective when we work as a team — helping the slowest member, cheering everyone on, celebrating the wins and losses together, and taking a breath or two for self care. 

So how did this morning end? 

Well, I have a rule that my kids don’t go to school unless we done a little healing first (if it’s been a rough morning). And so, I bent down and looked into my child’s eyes. I said that I was sorry for yelling and I explained that it wasn't okay for mama to flip her lid. I asked him for a cuddle and asked if we could talk about a way to make our mornings better after school. He said yes. And then, I asked him for a do-over and if would be up for making the rest of today fabulous. He, in his ever so perfect, five year old way, said "YES!" We did a little cheer, fist pumped the fabulous-to-be day and started skipping down the street. Because the truth is, if the foundation of love is there, patches of parental ugliness (and me yelling is definitely ugly) can be easily repaired through validation, connection (a cuddle), sincere apology and a plan for making things better. 

So there you have it my friends. I am not perfect, and I promise that I will never try to sell myself as something more than I am. While I am certainly committed to learning as much as I can about Mindful Parenting and sharing this knowledge with you, I am also just a mama who is trying to figure this out as I go.

If you’re up for it, though, I’d love to walk along side you throughout this care giving/parenting journey. Because, like I said before, we really are all in this together. ​

Ps: To really be able to "discipline" our children, we need to incorporate a daily practice of self-care. I get that this is not always available to us and easy for us to make time for.  As such, I'm going to dedicate some time focusing on strategies for parents and caregivers to incorporate more self-care into their world through mindfulness on this site. Fingers crossed, it helps!